A Brand New Life

If I were to pop a question to all fellow mothers reading this post—“what’s changed post the baby?” They’d perhaps turnaround and ask, “What’s NOT changed post the baby?” –-and with a smile that reveals a lot more than conceals. From the most trivial to the most crucial things in life, nothing looks the same, isn’t it? Even something as trifling as a shopping spree now means buying something for the baby—a toy or a pretty dress, instead of those shoes you’ve been eyeing for long—let alone bigger issues. It’s amusing how we suddenly wake up to the magical powers of nursery rhymes that soothe the baby when nothing else works. Clocks, well, most of us stop looking at them—baby decides what time of the day it is, and what we should be doing. Every time, you run into parents with a child throwing a tantrum, you end up giving them an I-know-what-it-means’ look instead of a ‘Shut-him/her-up”. Taking a shower, in fact even a pee break, becomes a luxury, doesn’t it! Days turn nights, and nights back into days while we keep yearning for sleep, sleep and more sleep. A friend’s, who’s also a new mother, Facebook update said her New Year resolution was to get more sleep—the comments there only told her to wake up and smell the coffee instead! And in that unending list of ‘things-to-do’, painting those nails or going to a spa don’t even feature.

All of these lifestyle changes work at a very subtle level—you don’t wake up one day to press the ‘paternity key’. In fact, to most of us these don’t even feel like sacrifices. And that’s both the beauty and irony of it all. The fact that we learn to love and respect our parents far more than we ever did, happens naturally, when we take the wheel and take the ride. Pain, tears and heartbreaks now feel much worse, again instinctively. You look at your baby in the mirror and not yourself, or click her picture not your own—happens so secretly, so beautifully, that you only end up marveling at it in some quite moment or while writing/reading such blogs.   

Still—and having said all of that—some of those changes pinch! One of the worst hit is the marriage itself. If someone told me that their marriage didn’t undergo a change, they’re probably not being entirely honest. I remember throwing a fit every morning, for at least a couple of weeks after our baby Aarna was born. She is a breastfed baby who demanded her meal quite a few times through the night. Since the body was still recuperating after a painful labor, and the sleepless nights weren’t helping either, my mornings would see me tired, dull and frustrated. Inevitably, inadvertently, my husband would find himself at the receiving end of it all.

Most friends, new mothers I spoke to later, confessed snapping at their partners a lot more during this phase. What added to the drama was a feeling that the husband could chicken out, go to work, while we were pushed into a sabbatical. Blame it on the hormones, or call them ‘Baby blues’, the fact is, it’s normal, as long as the feeling doesn’t stay on. Hormones eventually balance out—and we snap out of our bad temper too.

But that’s not the end of the story, in fact just the beginning. Most parents-to-be are advised to meticulously prepare for the baby—clothes, diapers, bedding everything is taken care of. What nobody tells you is to discuss how things—and life, would change post the baby. Perhaps, we expect or assume the baby to fit our lifestyle, only to realize later that that’s not happening ever. Dinner and movie dates, vacation plans, or just a round of conversation over a cup of coffee—baby says an emphatic No to the time with the Mister.

For working mothers, life becomes even tougher. For now, the day doesn’t start and end between work hours, but many-many hours before and after. They truly are reservoirs of energy—supermoms for sure. Not having slept the night before singing lullabies to a cranky baby in the lap, and dressing up prim and proper for a meeting at 9am with presentations and papers ready the morning next—ah! Now that’s some miracle machinery at work!

But having said all that, if you’re a mother, and have already been through this, you’d also know the joy of having created a life with your partner. That, is the upside that keeps us going, isn’t it? We may run into bumps on the way—but the joy of conception, creation, and nurturing makes us endure all. Motherhood has certainly made me far more patient and peaceful. It has bought a sense of calm, within and on the outside. The fact that there is a life out there who trusts me with all her heart and soul, who knows that each time she wakes up, she will have her mother beside her, that when she gets hurt and cries, her mother would be there to soother her, when she’s hungry, her mother will happily feed her, put her to sleep, play with her, put up with her tantrums and be her best buddy—makes me feel good, very good. 

As for my marriage, well, just a look at my husband singing a lullaby to our baby in the middle of the night, or giving her a bath or changing her diaper—makes me fall in love with him all over again. I believe, if you sail through this phase, together, you can sail through most.